I’ve never read someone’s story that I could truly connect with because I feel my story is so tangled in other things.
I want to tell my story to not only help myself, but also help others if they have gone through similar things. My story begins back in 2016, when I discovered I had fertility issues and was told I wouldn’t be able to have children if I waited too long. Fast forward to early 2020 after 2 years of struggling to get pregnant, I saw those very first two pink lines. I was so excited to be pregnant! Giving birth to my first daughter went nothing as I thought it would, ending in an emergency C-section to a growth restricted 37 weeker due to undiagnosed and untreated pre-eclampsia. Miraculously, we avoided a NICU stay, though both her and I were very unwell. I told myself I’d never do this pregnancy thing again. Though deep inside my heart longed for just one more. 3 years had gone by and I decided it’s now or never and immediately got pregnant with my second daughter. I was fearful the entire pregnancy. I was so afraid of having another growth restricted baby and another traumatic birth. Fearful of getting pre-eclampsia again. I wanted this time to be healing and not retraumatizing.
I reached 28 weeks and was told I had gestational hypertension and my doctor was concerned if get pre-eclampsia and when I did get it, it would move fast. At 29 weeks I spend 24 hours in the hospital to have a 24hour urine test. They sent me home and only 10 days later I was back at the hospital with pre-eclampsia with severe features. My worst fears were coming true. I was admitted to the hospital just after memorial day, the early hours of the morning. Immediately they had me on a magnesium drip and I knew I’d be staying until my baby was born. We were hopeful to make it 34 weeks, but my body said enough was enough and sent me into preterm labor at 31+1 weeks.
They were able to stop my labor and do more labs only to discover I started to develop HELLP syndrome and I would be delivering at 31+2 weeks. I was terrified. Though, I somewhat knew what to expect as my nephew was born the same gestational and is a strong, brilliant and smart nearly 7 year old. I was still so scared, all the what ifs and anxious thoughts seemed to surround me. I had just spent the last week in the hospital by myself, though I had daily visitors that feeling of loneliness was like no other. I wanted to be home with my husband and daughter, I wanted to not be sick. I wanted to avoid NICU time as much as possible and it felt like everything was crumbling around me. I just wanted my baby to be safe.
I was put back on magnesium drip and had a repeat C-section that night. My beautiful baby girl was born screaming her little lungs out and I felt more at ease, although they quickly whisked her away to the NICU with her dad. After recovery I was giving the opportunity to go see her, but there was an issue with my hospital bed and I needed to be able to get in a wheelchair to meet my girl. I pulled myself out of my bed and into the wheelchair, still on magnesium because nothing, and I mean nothing, was going to stop me from seeing her. As scary as it felt to see her with all these cords and contraptions surrounding her, I knew she was safer outside my body and I was safer not being pregnant. This is just how our story had to go. The weeks feel extremely long but also flew by so quickly. She is still not home as I write this but I know she will be home very soon. She has thrived in the NICU and in an unexpected way, I did get my healing after birth trauma. I learned so many important things through this journey.
I can effectively advocate for myself and have a medical team that digs deeper when I present an issue. I can do things that scare me, even alone. I am much stronger than I ever believed I could be. A mother’s love truly knows no bounds.
I call my girls my wildflowers, because wildflowers bloom in the most harsh of environments. They are resilient.
Now she’s thriving!
Our NICU warrior came home after 52 days in the NICU and has been thriving ever since! She is enjoying being home with her big sister and is just a happy girl!
